OK I sit in front of this computer for the better part of every day doing some useless thing so I might as well write something. Usually I write in my journal for my own eyes, but I really need to get my insides out so I can connect with other people. I always tell the story of how the group of people that met every Monday night at my house in Melville went on to form a food coop and an alternative school. Neither thing lasted very long. But ...
Oh god, see? Nothing I ever start amounts to anything. All my dreams are in vain. I feel like the biggest joke in the world. I am imagining that the boys are totally ashamed of me and that is why they spend as much time as possible away from here .This is why none of my sisters and brothers come to visit me. I am socially inept. I don't know how to talk to people without saying something stupid or obnoxious.
This is why I don't go out anymore. I figure if the people who know me think so badly of me, how much worse will it be with strangers? So I just stay home day after day and, while I do enjoy myself,.when I try to look at myself from other peoples perspective, it looks bad, you know. (I admit it. I totally enjoy my own company. The inside of my head is a whole world unto itself.)
“Would the gods the giftie gie us to see ourselves as others see us.” Robbie Burns, you idiot. That is not a gift. It is a curse. Inside my head things are good. When I look out at other people I usually think they are wonderful. I see the good. But when I look at myself through other peoples eyes I look bad. I don't live up to their standards. I am a failure, am fat and poor and slovenly and have very odd interests. If people could come into my world we would all look good and be equals and we could sit back and think of fun things to do together.
But people won't come into my world. They are perfectly content where they are, it seems. They look down at my world. Why don't I just join them where they are at? Because I don't understand that world.. I have never gotten the hand of it and I am 59 years old. It just does not make sense to me. There are lots of good things and I look in from my outsiders perspective and often wish I could join in; that I understood the rules so I could play and might stand a chance of winning once in a while.
The only thing that keeps me alive is the delight to at least be able to look in and watch the spectacle. Human activity is endlessly interesting to me. They do such cool stuff. Just the fact that I am sitting here typing on a keyboard which is resting in my lap listening to the Chemical Brothers play “Hold Tight London” on Radio Paradise (which plays through itunes) Open in another window is Firefox, a web browser which is currently displaying My Yahoo. Yahoo in itself is a miracle. I can manage my correspondence, read all the latest news, blogs, websites, check the weather, my horoscope, play games, write in my own blog, upload pictures to share on flickr... It is infinite.
The truth is I am immensely grateful to be alive in this magnificent world at this time in this place. I am convinced most of the time that I have died and gone to heaven. That is why I don't worry about dying. Whenever I get some potentially alarming pain or symptom, I just visualize that I will move on to a better place. And I always do. Maybe that is what it means to die each day and be reborn?I mean, this is good. Life is GOOOOOD!
But why then is there suffering. I see news every day of horrible things? Oh well, that question can't be answered. I see that perhaps it is a transparent model of all that is or is possible. “I have set before you life and death the blessing and the curse. Therefore choose life.” You can't choose if there is no choice. It is a clear picture of all that one has to be grateful for. There but for the grace of God go I. Thank you thank you thank you! But can we alleviate the suffering of others? I guess the best thing to do is to live out of the truth of your being. So now that we've taken care of that, what next? What usually happens is paintings or poetry or lunch. Maybe a shower might be in order?
