Coming Around Again

I have been neglecting this blog for a long time. I really like it, but there are so many other avenues of human endeavor to exercise. During my hiatus here I have been improving my conceptual skills through drawing and painting . Oh who am I kidding?I just don't care when I could be talking to real people out there especially Roy who is the real person I would like to e talking to.

Oh, man!

This place really gets to me sometimes. Mostly I keep to myself and do whatever I need or want to do at the time. Sometimes I go hang out with folks, but often there is so much bullshit flying around that I just stay to home.

It's nice and peaceful in here. All the cares and woes of the world dissolve while I listen to music and paint, write or sometimes just snooze. It's better than being caught in the crossfire out there. Sheesh!!

The main problem with people is that basically they've been taught to hate their Selves,(their Best Selves, their Higher Power etc. )

Then if a person thinks well of themselves, the Self-haters cry that that person is arrogant or selfish or insolent. They expect other people to do things "their" way, so they whine and insult and accuse the Self-centered person in order to get their way. And it's not ever their Own way. If a person is really following their own way then they are quite content to live and let live regarding what other people do with their lives.

I tend to be all, like "whatever" regarding what other people do but I don't legislate or lobby, I just do my thing.
I do " me", you do "you" and it's all good. Then I get to see things from another person's point of view, if I like.

I really don't want other people to be like me, but I would like to be of interest to a person as ME, not some societal role.

Like, I can cook a wonderful meal, suck a dick, change a tire etc, etc. But those are things a machine can do and I believe the evolutionary trend is toward "human as artist in a Universe" that delights in creativity and artistry.
I guess I'm banking on the forces of evolution as being in my favor.

This other shit is so played out that I believe the Universe is bored to tears with the whole scenario. I sure am. THE OLD WORLD IS DYING!! Let it be. Stop. Think> Create. Play> Enjoy. Is there anything so wrong with that? What are we afraid of?

Yeah, 25 Things about me . Random.

1.) I'm pretty random by nature, which is why I love to putter, moving from task to task without any plan. "Go with the flow" is my nature.

2.) Music is my favorite earthly phenomenon. I can literally do nothing but LISTEN for hours and hours. It's a gateway to beautiful spaces.

3.) I am sinfully lazy to the point of slothfulness. Also, I'm rather proud of this as I feel laziness is the mother of invention, and have found many ingenious methods to do things without expending much energy.

4.) I've been putting off doing this "25 Things" note.

5.) I like to put things in order. I can get a tad obsessive about this, which is why

6.) I like to have a minimum of stuff. If one is both lazy and obsessive, this is the wise choice.

7.) I spend a lot of time in the worlds inside my self, which are spectacularly beautiful and also make sense to me.

8,) I find this world confusing and dismaying most of the time and have never quite gotten the hang of how to manage it all. It really makes no sense to me and the worlds inside me do make sense. So..

9.) I spend an absurd amount of time totally alone and happy. I like to keep track of humans I like, which is what facebook is all about, but mostly I'm content to randomly putter and hum and do little dances.

10.) I like my body and tend to it like the owner of a vintage Jaguar. I brush my hair and buff my nails and rub scented oils into my skin. I stretch, yawn and dance a lot.

11.) Art is my major activity, and even this is totally a Selfish activity. It is my SELF talking to my self. I have a lot to learn from my SELF, I find.

12.) I believe all sentient Beings have a SELF and that SELF-knowledge and self cultivation are one's primary duties in this life.

13.) I am quite sure that "reality is more malleable than we realize. I know experientially that if a group of people are "together" they can shape their local reality to a considerable extent.

14.) My ideal reality would be a planetary permaculture Rainbow Gathering. Peace and Love, y'all!! Welcome Home.

15.) I am baffled when people mock peace, love and happiness. Um, duh, do you think discord, hatred and misery are preferable? OK... Whatever floats your boat, baby. Different strokes for different folks.

16.) I like warm colorful socks. I like clothes in general mainly for decorative and expressive purposes, but comfort is a big factor. I'd like to have a clothing manufactory for clothes I design because then people would be a lot more fun to look at. Maybe they would feel happier too if their clothes were cosy and lovely.

17.) I think men might enjoy themselves more if they allowed themselves to be pretty and silly. I love being pretty and silly and almost never wished to be the opposite. (I did go through a period of SELF denial, which was horrid!)

18.) I play a lot of video games. I've learn things from them which have served me well on various occasions.

19.) I especially like getting older. Humans generally seem to improve with age.

20.) Eternal life is appealing to me. I have an idea that we haven't even scratched the surface of what's possible. My sense about life is that it is an Infinite Game. And I just wanna play!

21.) I really like my Mom. She's a pip.

22.) Although dead, my Dad still visits with me on occasion.

23.) Yes I really am crazy. Or at least the opposite of what passes for sanity in this realm.

24.) I own my Shadow.

25.) Truth is Elegant.

faggot

He ain't heavy
He's my brother.

poem

My_bad_side

OK I sit in front of this computer for the better part of every day doing some useless thing so I might as well write something. Usually I write in my journal for my own eyes, but I really need to get my insides out so I can connect with other people. I always tell the story of how the group of people that met every Monday night at my house in Melville went on to form a food coop and an alternative school. Neither thing lasted very long. But ...
Oh god, see? Nothing I ever start amounts to anything. All my dreams are in vain. I feel like the biggest joke in the world. I am imagining that the boys are totally ashamed of me and that is why they spend as much time as possible away from here .This is why none of my sisters and brothers come to visit me. I am socially inept. I don't know how to talk to people without saying something stupid or obnoxious.
This is why I don't go out anymore. I figure if the people who know me think so badly of me, how much worse will it be with strangers? So I just stay home day after day and, while I do enjoy myself,.when I try to look at myself from other peoples perspective, it looks bad, you know. (I admit it. I totally enjoy my own company. The inside of my head is a whole world unto itself.)
“Would the gods the giftie gie us to see ourselves as others see us.” Robbie Burns, you idiot. That is not a gift. It is a curse. Inside my head things are good. When I look out at other people I usually think they are wonderful. I see the good. But when I look at myself through other peoples eyes I look bad. I don't live up to their standards. I am a failure, am fat and poor and slovenly and have very odd interests. If people could come into my world we would all look good and be equals and we could sit back and think of fun things to do together.
But people won't come into my world. They are perfectly content where they are, it seems. They look down at my world. Why don't I just join them where they are at? Because I don't understand that world.. I have never gotten the hand of it and I am 59 years old. It just does not make sense to me. There are lots of good things and I look in from my outsiders perspective and often wish I could join in; that I understood the rules so I could play and might stand a chance of winning once in a while.
The only thing that keeps me alive is the delight to at least be able to look in and watch the spectacle. Human activity is endlessly interesting to me. They do such cool stuff. Just the fact that I am sitting here typing on a keyboard which is resting in my lap listening to the Chemical Brothers play “Hold Tight London” on Radio Paradise (which plays through itunes) Open in another window is Firefox, a web browser which is currently displaying My Yahoo. Yahoo in itself is a miracle. I can manage my correspondence, read all the latest news, blogs, websites, check the weather, my horoscope, play games, write in my own blog, upload pictures to share on flickr... It is infinite.
The truth is I am immensely grateful to be alive in this magnificent world at this time in this place. I am convinced most of the time that I have died and gone to heaven. That is why I don't worry about dying. Whenever I get some potentially alarming pain or symptom, I just visualize that I will move on to a better place. And I always do. Maybe that is what it means to die each day and be reborn?I mean, this is good. Life is GOOOOOD!
But why then is there suffering. I see news every day of horrible things? Oh well, that question can't be answered. I see that perhaps it is a transparent model of all that is or is possible. “I have set before you life and death the blessing and the curse. Therefore choose life.” You can't choose if there is no choice. It is a clear picture of all that one has to be grateful for. There but for the grace of God go I. Thank you thank you thank you! But can we alleviate the suffering of others? I guess the best thing to do is to live out of the truth of your being. So now that we've taken care of that, what next? What usually happens is paintings or poetry or lunch. Maybe a shower might be in order?